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Send me your favorite golf joke and I'll add
it here.
| From Dick Mathieu - The Funeral Procession...
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about
to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the
road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and
bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful
and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'
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| From Mike Levitt - The Genie A husband
takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife
promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest
house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be
careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and
see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A
warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the
damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken
antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man
reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband
replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a
thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant
three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll
keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I
can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd
like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in
the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your
homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your
wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know
we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
"I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest
of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After
about three hours of nonstop fun, the genie rolled over and looked
directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. " Really?!
Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
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| From Dick Mathieu - Robin Williams on golf & Scotland -
just click on this link: robingolf.wmv.
Careful, though, it's a little risqué... |
| From noonan.4 - Top 10 Caddy Comments
#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this
course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the
earth."
#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a
coincidence."
#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time.
It's too much
of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour
ago."
And the #1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
From Dick Mathieu
Toward the end of
the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the
woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to
get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every
buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, poof!, in a flash and
puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother
Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest
of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your
toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you won't
have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then poof, she was gone. After Harry got a hold of himself, he
hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells
back, "I'm over here, in the Pussywillows."
Harry yells back,
"Don't swing Fred, for God sake, don't swing!"
Add your favorite here
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